Letter to the IRS

[originally posted April 15, 2005]
(don't know who wrote it)

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my 2004 Federal Income Tax return. Thank you. I have questioned whether these are my children or not for years. They are evil and expensive.

It's only fair that since they are minors and not my responsibility that the government(who, evidently, is now taxing me more to care fore these waifs) knows something about them and what to expect over the next year. You may apply next year to reassign them to me and reinstate the deduction. This year they are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her! I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer peoples' questions about their returns. While she has had no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her knowledge of any other subject you can name. Taxes should be a breeze. Next year she is going to college. I think it's wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind she has a truck. It doesn't run at the moment so you have the immediate decision of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.

Patrick is 14. I've had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little too close together for normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself someday if you don't incarcerate him first.

In February I was rudely awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home. He and his friends were TP'ing houses. In the future would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or sent directly to Ogden, UT? Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple; permanent dye, temporary dye, what's the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You'll have plenty of time, since he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight.

I'll take care of filing your phone number with the vice principal. Oh yes, he, and all his friends, have raging hormones. DO NOT leave any of them unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatable, vehicles, or telephones.

Heather is an alien. She slid through time warp and appeared quite by magic one year. I'm sure this one is yours. She is 10, going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tye-dyed clothes, beads, sandals and hair that looks like Tiny Tim's. Fortunately you will be raising my taxes to help you offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. Hooked on Phonics is expensive so the schools dropped it. Good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction you are denying! It's quite obvious we were terrible parents (ask the other two) so they have "helped" raise this one to a new level of terror: she cannot speak English. Most people nder twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girl/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak; I don't. The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her R's. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, pants baggy and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me but I'm sure you can handle it. Bring a truck when you come to get her; she sort of "nests" in her room and I think it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it's really made of.

You denied two of the three deductions, so I guess it's only fair you get to pick which two you will take. I prefer you take the two youngest; I still go bankrupt with Kristen's college expense but then I'm free! If you take the two oldest at least I have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager. If you take the two girls, I won't feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy. Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Sincerely,
***

History incites From the 6th Grade

The following were answers provided by 6th graders during history tests.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up Mount Cyanide to get the ten Commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada, but the Commandos made it.

Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him.

Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee Hee, Brutus."

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenburg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

Delegates from the original 13 state formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

Abraham Lincoln became America's creates Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by on e of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.

Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

Teaching Math

[originally posted January 06, 2005]

Last week, I purchased a burger at Burger King or $1.58. The girl at the counter took my $2.00 and was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nicked and three pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood ther and cried. Why do I tell you this? Please read more abot the

History of Teaching Math

Teaching Math in 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number '20'.

Teaching Math in 1990

By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation! After answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? (There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2005

El hachero vende un camion carga por $100. La cuesta de producción es...

The Top Ten

[originally posted April 04, 2003]

[Disclaimer: I have nothing against Canadians, per say]

The Top 10 Reasons Why Canada Won't Join the U.S. in the War on Iraq
10. We have no way of getting there.

9. We are too busy at home with the maple syrup season.

8. After 136 years, we are still copying off of France.

7. Pronounce Saddam's name backwards ("madd-as"). We'll stay away from him.

6. There is only limited potential for sales of Canadian bacon in Iraq after the war.

5. Our Sea King helicopter was damaged and needs repairs.

4. Celine Dionne can't sing to the troops because she has a contract in Las Vegas.

3. The rivers in Iraq are too shallow for our war canoes.

2. Lousy hockey in Iraq this time of year.

1. Our army is needed at home in case of another snow storm in Toronto.

Computer Troubles

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls of people asking where the "Any" key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

A Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered that the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "Send" key.

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

A confuse caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer, but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

Walking Eagle

Senator Hillary Clinton was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upper New York state. She spoke for almost an hour on her future plans for increasing every Native American's standard of living, should she one day become the first female president. She referred to her career as a New York senator, how she had signed "Yes" for every Indian issue that came to her desk for approval

Although the senator was vague on the details of her plan, she seemed most enthusiastic about her future ideas for helping her "red sisters and brothers". At the conclusion of her speech, the tribes presented the senator with a plaque inscribed with her new Indian name: Walking eagle. The proud senator then departed in her motorcade, waving to the crowds.

A news reporter later inquired of the group of chiefs how they had come to select the new name for the senator. They explained that 'Walking Eagle' is the name given to a bird so full of crap it can no longer fly.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word 'hunting' infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Chuck Norris can hear silence.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

Chuck Norris can draw a square circle.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming 'Law' and 'Order' are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night-light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them; JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way once. ONCE.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. Historians have recorded this as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles ,it saves the life of a dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after he kills someone.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Chuck Norris's hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Once, a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris. Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded to eat himself, because it would be the less painful way to die.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee; this has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a freakin' Indian.

Most reported Bigfoot sightings are just Chuck Norris with his shirt off.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Chuck Norris invented the spoon because using knives to kill people was just too easy.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubik’s Cube and spit it back out solved.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all time, but he died because of his weak spot, the Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they know better.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to do anything for a Klondike bar.

Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.

Chuck Norris knows a wrong way to eat a Reese’s.

On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Chuck Norris was here."

Chuck Norris's friend once asked him "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. Norris then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out his friend's throat.

The Earth doesn't revolve. It's just trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris does push-ups, he does not push himself up. He pushes the Earth down.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest. Chuck remains undefeated.

There are two kinds of people in this world: People who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know why.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

After taking the first steps on the moon and saying the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right, only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my foot", Chuck replied.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr.; he insisted that that actually is "his" way.

Chuck Norris was going to spend a relaxing day watching television when one of those commercials for Trix cereal came on. Angered by what he saw, Chuck Norris spent the rest of what was supposed to be a relaxing day, punching every child he came across. He would then shout at them, “Trix are for Chuck Norris.”

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn, sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the entire state down.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't see the color red, he hears it.

Chuck Norris' beard once consumed the entire population of a small Asian village: China.

The devil checks under his bed every night for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' beard trimmings are a source of 7 essential nutrients.

Chuck Norris can put his arm back on, but you can't. So play safe.

When Chuck Norris cuts onions, it rains.

Chuck Norris can not only pull off the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique with only four fingers, he can also juggle a panda bear and a keg of grape juice while doing it.

If Chuck Norris doesn't like you, how can you like yourself?

Chuck Norris submitted a petition of 10,000 signatures to McDonalds demanding they bring back "The McRib" sandwich. McDonalds brought it back until they realized every signature was in Norris' handwriting.

Chuck Norris can make your nose bleed with his mind.

Chuck Norris is the greatest baseball player of all time, but because he hits homeruns with roundhouse kicks, he has never been allowed to play at the professional level.

One time this guy dreamed about beating Chuck Norris. His funeral was last Wednesday.

If you burn one of Chuck Norris's beard hairs and inhale the fumes you get high for 56 years.

If you look in a mirror and say "Chuck Norris" three times, he will appear and kill your entire family... but at least you get to see Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ended the Civil War with a massive roundhouse kick the he referred to as the Emancipation Proclamation.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

A kid once stole Chuck Norris's hat and ran into an apple orchard. Chuck Norris flew into such a rage that he accidentally invented applesauce.

Chuck Norris has never used a question mark in his entire life. He believes that the interrogative tense is a sign of weakness.

Chuck Norris filmed all 202 episodes of Walker: Texas Ranger in a day. However, this is not actually an achievement of Norris's; all of the episodes were actually assembled using the same 15 minutes of Chuck Norris footage.

Chuck Norris is known for his , but readily admits that he is the 8th wonder of the natural world.

Chuck Norris can fit 5 billiard balls in his mouth.

Chuck Norris does not take a bite out of crime; he swallows crime whole and demands seconds.

Chuck Norris got banned from the state of Florida after he roundhouse kicked a dolphin at Sea world.

If the coach had put Chuck Norris in in the fourth quarter, they would have won state. No doubt about it.

Chuck Norris once won a staring contest with a basilisk.

Chuck Norris' beard conquered Poland three times.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he once ripped a man's beating heart out of his chest, showed it to him, sliced it in two with a ridiculous karate chop, put it in a pot with some nice onions and celery, cooked it, ate it, spit it out, and took the whole mess filled with bits of beating heart and veggies, and shoved it back into the still standing man. The dude died, but man, that was cool.

Some people eat pepperoni on their pizza. Some people have Canadian bacon. Chuck Norris usually has Venezuela.

If the cliché "You are what you eat" is true, then Chuck Norris is a combination of monster truck tires, Godzilla, and magma from several volcanoes.

The last stage of a star isn't a black hole; it’s Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any friends, just people he doesn't hate as much.

Walker Texas Ranger is just a normal man, but when danger calls he transforms into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris's feet accounted for more damage in 2005 than both the war in Iraq and Hurricane Katrina.

Chuck Norris requires no stunt double; however his beard has stood in for the actor that played Chewbacca on many occasions.

Chuck Norris was originally to be cast as the protagonist in Terminator. He denied, since he has already stopped a time war between machines and mankind. Twice.

Chuck Norris's appendages have been deemed lethal weapons by 12 different governments.

Chuck Norris doesn't get his haircut; his hair just knows its place.

In 1974, Godzilla vs. Chuck Norris was filmed, but could not be released since Godzilla died midway through the shoot.

Scientology is Chuck Norris's first successful get-rich-quick scheme.

Chuck Norris is the reason for the hole in the ozone layer. The ozone layer now knows better.

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise he would have deleted the Internet.

Chuck Norris fought the law. Chuck Norris won.

Bigfoot is a piece of Chuck Norris's beard that gained sentience and escaped.

Chuck Norris built Rome in a day. Consequently, all roads lead to Chuck Norris too.

I once asked Chuck Norris for his autograph, and he signed his name as "Daffy Duck". When I confronted him, he kicked my teeth in.

Few people know that President Jimmy Carter appointed Chuck Norris as Secretary of Awesome in 1978; this Cabinet position was later rescinded when Norris refused to give up his title.

Norris once played the lead part in a 3rd grade production of 'Oliver Twist'. He got all the porridge he wanted, along with some bikes and a Stretch Armstrong.

A tsunami is water fleeing from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the only person ever to beat Kobayashi in a hot dog eating contest. Chuck Norris won by picking up the whole table of hot dogs and eating them all in one bite, leaving none for his competition. To help the hot dogs go down, he ate the 400-pound guy next to him. Chuck Norris was then banned from ever eating hot dogs or fat people ever again.

Despite popular belief, Chuck Norris does not have bullet-proof skin; the bullets just don't have the force to penetrate his immense amount of body hair.

Every piece of furniture in Chuck Norris's house is a Total Gym.

Chuck Norris can never be a steroid abuser; no needle could ever puncture his skin.

Chuck Norris can lick his elbow.
Once, Chuck Norris was partying all night and the sun came up. He didn't want to stop partying, so he made the sun go back down, with his mind.

During the fiming of the Total Gym infomercial, Christie Brinkley messed up a line. Chuck Norris then picked up a Total Gym and impaled her with it.

Chuck Norris doesn't get smarter; he flexes the ignorance out of his brain.

Donald Trump once fired Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris responded by saying, "While I disagree with your firing of me, I will defend to the death your right to do it." Chuck Norris then kicked Donald Trump through a wall.

Oil prices only go up when Chuck Norris is thirsty.

Chuck Norris's body produces methamphetamine instead of adrenalin.

On 9/11 Chuck Norris didn't say anything. Instead he hopped into the 'Norriscoptor', flew to Afghanistan, captured Osama bin Laden and locked him in his basement. He has promised President Bush he'll turn Bin Laden over once he's done beating the crap out of him.

Chuck Norris has never hit another man in a fight. Chuck Norris has never lost a fight. He simply points to his foot and the opponent lays down.

Chuck Norris once flushed himself down a toilet to fight an alligator. After defeating the beast with one swift round house kick, he went home to eat his neighbor's children.

Osama Bin Laden is hiding from Chuck Norris.

The Earth once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, and that is what happened to Atlantis.

Chuck Norris created the prototype for the Total Gym out of rubber bands, paperclips and his own beard hair.

While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes the button; the elevator better just know what floor Chuck Norris needs to be on.

Chuck Norris has never been rained upon; Mother Nature can't risk those kinds of repercussions.

When on vacation in December of '04 Chuck Norris was stung by a jelly fish. Delirious with rage, he roundhouse kicked the ocean into submission.

Tornados are not caused by sudden changes in weather, but rather, a sudden roundhouse by Chuck Norris.

If you think that Chuck Norris can’t kill you anywhere at any time, you are in for a big surprise tomorrow.

Chuck Norris doesn't bathe like the rest of us. The only baths Chuck Norris takes are blood baths.

Chuck Norris single handedly ended World War II with two Roundhouse Kicks. You might know them as Atomic Bombs.

A young boy was in a spelling bee. The judge asked him to spell the word "massacre". The boy spelled the word C-H-U-C-K- -N-O-R-R-I-S and automatically received first place. After the bee, he was roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris because he hadn't said the "S" in "Norris" good enough.

Chuck Norris knows exactly where Waldo is on every page, even the pirate one.

Chuck Norris received a perfect score on his SAT by making his answer bubbles repeatedly spell “CHUCK NORRIS”…despite the fact that the letters H, U, K, N, O, R, I, and S are not choices.

Chuck Norris can drop kick a small child 2oo yards.

Every new piece of U.S. currency has a watermark of Chuck Norris’s face in the background; knowing that Chuck is always watching, counterfeiting ceases to exist.

Chuck Norris broke his own leg, purely for the sake of winning the special Olympics.

Chuck Norris combs his hair with a rake and drinks beer with his cereal.

Chuck Norris once ate an entire live crocodile, then punched Steve Irwin in the face for being such a wuss.

Chuck Norris loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

Mr. T once tried to pity Chuck Norris; he was instantly roundhouse kicked in the face.

In a fight between Batman and Superman, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

During a movie shoot in the Rockies, Chuck Norris got angry because another actor forgot their lines. He was so angry that he walked over to the nearest mountain and roundhouse kicked it; the kick was so powerful that it changed the Earth’s orbit…and that is why we have leap years.

You lose one year of your life expectancy every time you look at an image of Chuck Norris.

CNN was originally the ‘Chuck Norris Network’, but it was later changed because the awesomeness of a Chuck Norris network kept blowing up satellites, TVs, and viewers’ eyeballs.

Chuck Norris’s beard is the hardest substance known to man, followed closely by Chuck Norris’s flexed biceps.

Chuck Norris brought about the phrase “How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood” due to his daily exercise of lifting Giant Redwoods.

Chuck Norris wins the Oscar for Best Actor every year. However, he refuses to accept the award until Oscar grows a beard.

Chuck Norris never reads the instructions. Ever.

Inertia is a property of Chuck Norris.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face that day.

Chuck Norris' facial hair once housed 144 hurricane evacuees. It is not as much as the Astrodome but it has its own strip mall, police station, and dojo to practice kickboxing.

Sometimes Chuck Norris parts his hair on the left side, just to see if anyone will notice. They always do.

Do you know why people win the lottery? It’s because Chuck Norris once gave them the thumbs-up sign.

A single drop of Chuck Norris's blood could cure every disease in the world. However, man has not created a needle sharp enough to puncture his skin.

When a phone rings, there is a 58% chance that it's for Chuck Norris.

While playing dodge ball, Chuck Norris will often light his opponents on fire with laser beams from his eyes.

Upon finding this very website, Chuck Norris hunted down and roundhouse kicked every contributor.